Are You Kidding Me?

10:50 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Snow? Snow? Oh for crying out loud, you have got to be kidding me. Nearly the middle of March and I see snow. Doesn't mother nature understand that I am fed up with having sick kids? Clorox and I are waiting for some nice weather so I don't suffocate and poison everyone in the house. I need nice weather to open all the windows so I don't kill us all with bleach fumes.
I was so happy with those couple of warm, slightly sunny days. Even though I was sick, everything seemed so much better in the world.
Sometimes I feel like even a good smack might not be enough to right my senses. How on earth did I ever let my husband talk me into moving into the middle of the stupid woods? I must have been off in some la la land. Not only are we unable to grow anything but moss and dirt out here without sunlight, I can't even go for walks in my own woods 'cause people keep shooting out of season back there and I really don't want to hasten my exit out of this world.
Can ya tell I am struggling today? I am just bitter 'cause today is Neurology 6th month visit day and that is never a happy time for me. So, I decided, once I complained about the weather, I was gonna find some nice things to be happy about.
Here goes:
Robby is 18 and he was not expected to live even a fraction of that time.
Kye's grades are phenomenal and we get along fairly well overall.
Connor's grades are wonderful as well and he is about to have a bday soon.
My marriage is solid and I love him as much today as I did in the beginning. I honestly think more since he makes me madder now than he did then and I get over it faster.
We have a home to live in.
We have food to eat.
We have transportation.
We have family.
We have friends.
We have each other.
We have JESUS!
Seems despite the sadness that this visit always brings me, all the wonderful things we have should outweigh the negative.
I think sometimes I just need to take the time to list just how blessed we really are to overcome the difficult stuff. And as I remind myself, the difficult stuff helps me appreciate all the fabulous and miraculous in our life.
So color me uplifted and smiling. :)

NERDY

7:44 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Okay, so I will admit it, I have always been a little bit of a nerd, geek, dork...you get the picture.
I love comic books, superheros...all that stuff. So, I was really excited to go see Watchmen last night. It looked a bit dark and I wasn't sure about that, but the previews did make it look a bit action packed.
Well, no one told me I was gonna be embarrassed to be sitting there with my husband, sister, b.i.l., and MOM. Nothing like feeling like your watching some kind of male nude modeling art class with your mother....yeesh. Had it just been Rob and I, all would have been fine, as I am not easily embarrassed. I read a couple reviews talking about missing the mark, a little slow...yada yada...but nothing about male anatomy to watch with my MOTHER.....Now being someone that loves art, I have seen many a painting with nude females and males and never think twice about it. The funny thing is Rob mentioned something about seeing the actor on some talk show saying he would probably never watch the movie as it showed too much of him....I was a bit slow on the uptake I guess.
My b.i.l. giggled like a little girl everytime Mr. Manhattan's maleness showed which got my husband laughing, my sister and I hiding our faces in our shirts trying not to laugh and my mom saying did they really just show that. Now, I hadn't even noticed the first few times that they had drawn in his manly parts, my husband's and b.i.l.'s laughter had me wondering at first "What is so funny?" Finally I caught on...oh boy. Then the bit graphic loves scenes, again with my mother present, left me glad the theater was dark or boy would my face have even redder.
My mother was so funny as after the movie she says, "That was all CG right, they didn't really show a real man on there did they?" We all busted out laughing. Yes mom, it was all CG but at that point, was there really any difference whether it was real or not.........
So, if you've been considering seeing it, just know...they really mean nudity...it's incredibly violent, and you definetly don't want to take your mother hehe.

UGH

6:09 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Can I just say...I hate not having health insurance.
As if if were not bad enough that I feel like a nasty illness
is tracking me down, the thought of going to see my
physician makes it all the worse.
I have not been to see my Dr. in over two years, even though
I have some health issues going on that should be followed up
regularly. Why? Because I do not have health insurance.
Paying cash every time I need to take the kids in, is a real
budget killer, let alone even entertaining medical bills for
myself. Thank the good Lord, I am rarely ill enough to
warrant immediate medical care. Most things are well
handled homeopathically.
Then, after my dental appointment today, I began to
panic about what happens if this temporary fix doesn't
force the tooth to heal and I have to chose between the
loss of the tooth or root canal. Guess which one wins?
And that is only 1 tooth of several whose fillings managed
to come out after less than a year of having them all filled.
All the cavities I had filled as a child had to be redone recently,
yet again. They had to be redone when I was pregnant with
my last child who is soon to turn 9. Then they have been
redone twice since then and now must be done again. Why
can't a stupid filling just stay in and stop causing me trouble.
I really hope healthcare in this nation gets fixed. I make
too much money to qualify for michild insurance here yet
don't make enough to have much left after paying bills to
even consider being able to pay for private insurance.
And I am one of the lucky ones. I have a friend, recently
jobless, takes multiple medications, and was told there is
NO Medicaid here in Michigan right now. How can this be?
How can a government program be gone? They said 1 or 2
slots "may" open in the next month but there is a huge
waiting list for it. Thank goodness there is a free clinic here
that may be able to help with some of the meds.
Without her meds, her physical and mental health will
deteriorate rapidly. I can tell you this for sure, it breaks
my heart everything she is going through. Just when I
begin to feel sorry for any circumstance in my life I need
only look at her.
How unfair.
I understand that some people abuse the
system and just want to live off the proceeds and hard
work of others, but what of those that are just hard hit
by life's circumstances?
As my friend Jo often says, " Can't He just blow the whistle
and call us out of the pool already?"
I know that life's struggles are a part of having free will in this
world, and we should all make time to list all that we have to
be thankful for, but sometimes a girl just wants to whine.

Am I taking it back?

10:30 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Have you ever had that person or two you just couldn't seem to forgive and move beyond?
After a lengthy discussion with a friend about how hard it is to get over being hurt sometimes, I got to thinking about a site online (sorry it was so long ago that I don't remember where) about forgiving.
I have found that wise women of faith out there are right on track about forgiveness. At times when I have felt hurt, especially by family as we can't choose them, I have chosen to follow their directions on how to forgive. I can honestly say that praying for the person that you feel has hurt or betrayed you, and not that they will be smote down lol, but for blessings to be heaped upon them and that they will feel loved, and that you can forgive and forget, really heals those painful wounds.
So, what does it mean when someone you have been praying you could forgive, that you have been praying for mounds of blessings and peace for, still weighs on your mind?
Surely it is NOT God for He knows exactly what He is doing? So I began to wonder if maybe I am taking it back. Not out loud but unconsciously in my head.
Maybe the problem lies solely with my inability to mean it with some people. Maybe I am going through the motions with the best intentions but in my heart and mind I don't really want to forgive yet.
I had not thought about this article in such a long time and while complaining about why I can't let go of some hurt that just seems forever attached to me, it suddenly popped back up in my brain.
Maybe I am just plain taking it back.
Instantly as I thought about it, I realized, that is probably exactly what it is. Why do I think that? Because as quickly as the idea hit me, the negative thoughts began to set in. "I prayed about it already." "I don't want to beat a dead horse with God." "I have been obedient and done my part, I prayed for them, I wished blessings on them, maybe it's not to be."
But as fast as those thoughts came, I knew it wasn't true. I knew, and know the problem is me.
So guess what, here goes another round and included in it will be prayers for me to get over myself and for some insight to recognize if and when I am taking it back. More repentance incoming. Sigh.

NOOB

10:43 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Let me just say I hate being a NOOB.
Sorry to those who emailed me to let me know they cannot post to my blog.
And Thank You for letting me know. I am sure it is a mistake on my part as
I recently changed skins and probably goofed something up. Technology and
I don't always see eye to eye. Much like my spelling of late.
Here's hoping it will be a quick fix with the right information.

The weather.

7:42 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I know it is just plain silly to complain about the weather and live in Michigan.
It is the epitomy of the true oxymoron if ever there was one.
Nonetheless, I just don't think it's too much to ask for Mr. Weather to
make up his stinking mind. And yes, he is male, for only men can be this
irritating ( just kidding). Only to be followed by children hehe. (Not kidding here)
I don't think it is asking too much for a trend in one direction or another
to make dressing, driving , planning, shopping and just plain living easier.
I really don't need it to be 7 degrees one day and 50 the next. If it is going
to be cold...then just be cold. This see saw effect is making my sinus' and ears
do flip flops. And everytime I think the snow has past...oh no, here comes
another round. Don't get me wrong, I love a break in between snow storms,
but come on, it's March already. I don't want to see anymore snow and it
could be dangerous for the news forcaster that says we are getting any....
I'm just sayin.
I am not looking for Summer weather yet, just some milder even temps
without the freezing fluctuations that ruin my flower buds for the entire season.
And come on....More Sunshine Please....I am feeling a bit vaclempt and
want to leave hibernation.
Okay, okay, I will stop whining. But seriously.....

Musical Bliss

6:43 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
My day began with stress. I know, right? Imagine that even. Well, it all began with getting the 17 year old to the bus stop by 6:30, racing home to get the 8 year old ready for school, get my hair done, and pack the kitty up for her visit to the vet to be "fixed". Sheer madness. Racing around clear across town and back to get the youngest to school by 8:45 was almost impossible.
Luckily he arrived on time and from there I hit the road home to pick up some supplies, then off to my mother's house to carpool to Chenery Auditorium.
Because I dearly love my sister, I was willing to skip my usual bedtime to hear the Kalamazoo Symphony, watch the Kalamazoo Ballet Academy dancers, and my sister and Jay perform.
I am so glad I went. The musical was so uplifting. The dancers a delight. And my sister and Jay, I couldn't be prouder.
There were two extremely phenomenal things I saw and heard there today.
First, there was a high school girl who solo'd on her violin and her fingers were flying so fast I just could not keep up. She was amazing. Such talent.
Second, was a sixth grade girl who composed a piece via piano that the symphony transformed into a masterpiece. Her piece was so beautiful. I was enthralled.
So much accomplishment in these young ladies. I can only imagine how much it will multiply with age.
Anyway, it inspired these thoughts in me today.

Can you hear the music playing or is it only in my head?
Your stare is blank yet kind "What was that?", you said.
I know your being polite and my sanity is in question.
Never fuss with one of "Them", I guess you learned that lesson.
How sad you miss the melody, such a beautiful refrain.
If you could merely hear the tune that's playing in my brain.
The aria of angelic voices, the metronome keeps time.
Oh the joyous composition leaves me so sublime.
"It's your loss", I think at last. Saddened none the less.
If only I could share the genius of my wonderful mess.

Okay, so......

12:02 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Okay, so, today was one of those days that left me truely feeling old. My almost 17 year old daughter wanted to see the Jonas Brothers movie in 3D.
Upon arriving at the theater, seeing all the young teenagers there, I decided I was not staying with her for the movie. Too much noise. And, amazingly...too expensive. $15 a ticket for a movie, 3D or not is a bit much in my opinion.
But I digress. So, anyway, I realized as I got back into the car that I have indeed reached oldomn. You know, that place when you choose to pass something special up with someone you love because you just can't deal with the side effect.....waaay too many girls screaming at the Jonas Brothers. Yeesh. Color me gone.

Old And Dark

1:30 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Okay, so this poem is rediculously old hehe. I wrote this as a class project. Yes, it is very dark, but it was my teen years....c'mon.

Darkness

Darkness is a state
of which I am afraid.
And yet it seems so long
after all the time I've stayed.
It surrounds me like a circle,
a never ending twine.
To some it can encourage.
To some it can incline.
That it is even better,
but this I cannot see.
For the darkness that surrounds me,
will never set me free.
But then perhaps when it's my turn,
when all my time is gone.
All my fears inside I'll burn
and greet it like the dawn.

1:28 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Simple thoughts from a simple mind.

Reedeming Grace


Redeeming Grace of light from thee
my precious, dearest Lord.
How often have I pondered thee,
in Heaven up above.
I know you live within my heart.
Your voice it speaks to me.
You've washed me clean,
and healed my pain.
You've truely set me free.
I'm covered in your rightousness,
clothed in purest love.
Redeeming Grace of light from thee,
my precious, Lord above.

War And Peace

1:23 AM Edit This 1 Comment »
Do you ever just feel battle weary? If you do, then you will know exactly where I am coming from here.

My War and Peace

When Shadows fall and darkness arrives,
I will seek the peace that slumber brings.
Like liquid clouds that blanket my eyes,
sleep has arrived.
Take me on my magic carpet
to a land that has no time;
where memories are sure to fade
and dreams come for those who wait.
Immerse my soul in the One who loves me,
safe until dawn, when he will awaken me
fresh and renewed.
Ready for battle,
eager for peace,
I await his command.
Resisting the enemy,
loving all others,
continuing the day,
I then long for rest,
knowing I am in his care once more.

Just A Little Walk With Thee

1:17 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
This poem reflects my walk with the Father. Boy do I require a great deal of reminding, reprimanding, and reflecting. Luckily, I also receive comfort, joy, and peace.

Brilliant

The stalks of flowers,
reaching as desperate arms seeking your love.

Oh! How brilliant your design.

The balmy air and dew kissed ground.
The star filled nights.

Oh! How brilliant your design.

The intricate snowflakes,
never two the same.
The white blanket to cover the earth.

Oh! How brilliant your design.

The rustling of leaves.
The whisper of wind.
The colors of Autumn.

Oh! How brilliant your design.

The tears that cry,
when loved ones die.
My heart that beats for you.

Oh! How brilliant your design.

My Nieces

1:14 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Thoughts of my nieces.

Hannah and Katie

As if you were my own,
I treasure you.
Like precious jewels that sparkle and shine,
light reflectling, refracting, transparently
beautiful you are.
Such wonders youth holds for you.
Like branches reaching,
striving to grow far too quickly,
your progress amazes me.
Unlikened beauty,
rarely seen by mere mortals,
lovely you are.
Undeniebly blessed by the kisses
of thesweetest angels your rosy cheeks and fairest hair
are mere reminders of untold wealth.
Let not time diminish the wonder of all that is you.
Nor fear remove the glorious gift of health.
And I shall observe your transition,
although sad to see it happen too soon,
from afar.

Connor

1:11 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Thoughts of my youngest.

Priceless

Such elemental beauty can be seen
glistening like the morning sunshine on the dew kissedground.
The azure glow of your eyes shimmers on
like the blue sky meeting the highest mountaintop.
Hazelnuts and acorns the color of your crown
cascading like waterfalls dreaming of one day reaching land.
Melodic and rhythmic the sounds that emanate
from chords like a glorious aria.
Nimble and purposeful your hands conduct
unknown symphonies yet to be heard.
Deliberate and graceful each step away
from the child within to the angelic creature youshall become.
I am blessed to witness such creation,
knowing the true artist's design is unflawed.

Kylie

1:07 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Thoughts of my daughter.

Kylie

My likeness,
his too,
and yet unique,
that my dear is you.
Eyes that that dazzle,
twinkle and shine.
A smile so contageous,
deliberate and divine.
I held you that day,
so fragile and small.
My tears became a waterfall.
God's blessing,
daddy's girl,
my new baby,
your new world.
My heart so swollen,
my words so few.
My daughter it's true,
I love you,I do.

Remembering My Father

1:02 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
More thoughts of my father.

Remembering You

Those days that dwindled and dawdled into the sunsets
and passed too soon, were filled with you.
Has it been so long that I scarcely remember your face?
No, it is as vivid today as if etched in core of my being.
Must I be forced to search the crevices of my mind,
the cobwebs obscuring my view,
in order to recapture memories of the times we spent together?
How unfair that the shifting sands of time seek to erase
the fairest of such idyllic thoughts.
They shall never prevail,
for my thoughts of our time together will not be tainted.
My father, friend, teacher, and guide, fear not.
Instead, they shall forever be placed
on a pedestal in the beating drum that is my heart.

Shed Not A Tear

12:57 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
SHED NOT A TEAR

Shed not a tear for me;
lest it trickle from your face
like the sweetest dew off the thinnest reed.
Shed not a tear for me;
for I am like the stars that sparkle,
my time is gone but still I shine in the darkest sky.
Shed not a tear for me;
for I am as the wind,
delicately flowing and moving on to where I need to be.
Shed not a tear for me;
for I have loved, been loved, and continue loving.
Shed not a tear for me;
for I am dancing and twirling
as ribbons in a child's never to be tamed hair.
Shed not a tear for me;
for I am smiling down upon and shedding a tear, for you.

And The Band Played On

12:51 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
The majority of my poetry comes from the loss of loved ones. This particular one deals with the loss of my father. Several of my poems are about him in some form or other as his death was one of the most profound experiences in my life aside from the health issues of my son.

AND THE BAND PLAYED ON

The parade of tears came down my street
like the waves of a roaring ocean.
Deep and deadly it crashed and roiled,
knocking about everyone in it's path.
But who could escape the clashing cymbals of sobs
or the rythmic drumming of a broken heart?
I was not inclined to be the "Conductor",
only an innocent bystander,
watching the parade pass by.
Yet the music of grief held me captive
and I led the way swinging and swaying
with the music of my misery.
And even as the end of my street drew near,
the band played on.

I'm Losing You

12:42 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
This expression, if you will, is my letter to my oldest son. I did not write it with the intention of him ever reading it, even if it were remotely possible. It is merely an outpouring of dispair that I was feeling after a physician's office visit.

I'm Losing You

Like the last sliver of daylight, I feel you slipping away. I close my fist to keep the sand from trickling between my fingers.

I'm Losing You

Oh God, please help me. I'm not ready to let you go. It's selfish and unfair I know to keep you tied and dependant on me, rather than allowing you the chance to move on.

The thought of losing you, although I would never have to worry for your care, is unbearable. Who would I then be? I have spent our time being thankful for all of it, even when I felt it just wasn't fair. My life has been about you, and who I am because of you. Without you, who and what am I?

It's not like I don't have others who need me or love me, but you have helped define me. It is you who have helped me recapture my relationship with God. It is you who have helped me learn what is truly important in life. And, it is you who have taught me that pain is bearable. But, I don't want to experience the pain that I know is inevitable.

I'm Losing You

I know in my heart that I will only lose you physically, that you will always be with me in my heart, but the ache I feel at the thought is overwhelming. My thoughts are always of you and for you. I am afraid that without you I will feel scared, cold and empty. It haunts my dreams of late. Sometimes the thought of losing you hurts so bad I cannot even pray. I can only think thoughts and hope in my soul He hears them.

I know you cannot read these words, nor would I want you to if you could. They would hurt you as well and I think make you fight all the harder to stay just to please me. These words are my release, my safe haven for fears and tears that should not be heard for fear of scaring or hurting others.

It's just my need to say and maybe someday accept,

I'm Losing You

What the heck am I doing?

12:32 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Okay, so I just found out about this blogging stuff and figured I would set out to use it as a venue for my poetry and hopefully not embarrass myself too much. Yeah Right.

Most of my poetry is a form of personal therapy. And...it's free..woohoo! Yes, I realize and I am sure you will as well after reading it, that indeed...I still need therapy. But, like I said, it's free and it's beats meds.

I try not to fix gramatical errors in my poetry as I just let what I am feeling come out and if it doesn't necessarily rhyme well, mesh within itself, or even make sense...well so be it. It's mine and I don't always mesh or make sense so it should be expected.

Are You Kidding Me?

10:50 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Snow? Snow? Oh for crying out loud, you have got to be kidding me. Nearly the middle of March and I see snow. Doesn't mother nature understand that I am fed up with having sick kids? Clorox and I are waiting for some nice weather so I don't suffocate and poison everyone in the house. I need nice weather to open all the windows so I don't kill us all with bleach fumes.
I was so happy with those couple of warm, slightly sunny days. Even though I was sick, everything seemed so much better in the world.
Sometimes I feel like even a good smack might not be enough to right my senses. How on earth did I ever let my husband talk me into moving into the middle of the stupid woods? I must have been off in some la la land. Not only are we unable to grow anything but moss and dirt out here without sunlight, I can't even go for walks in my own woods 'cause people keep shooting out of season back there and I really don't want to hasten my exit out of this world.
Can ya tell I am struggling today? I am just bitter 'cause today is Neurology 6th month visit day and that is never a happy time for me. So, I decided, once I complained about the weather, I was gonna find some nice things to be happy about.
Here goes:
Robby is 18 and he was not expected to live even a fraction of that time.
Kye's grades are phenomenal and we get along fairly well overall.
Connor's grades are wonderful as well and he is about to have a bday soon.
My marriage is solid and I love him as much today as I did in the beginning. I honestly think more since he makes me madder now than he did then and I get over it faster.
We have a home to live in.
We have food to eat.
We have transportation.
We have family.
We have friends.
We have each other.
We have JESUS!
Seems despite the sadness that this visit always brings me, all the wonderful things we have should outweigh the negative.
I think sometimes I just need to take the time to list just how blessed we really are to overcome the difficult stuff. And as I remind myself, the difficult stuff helps me appreciate all the fabulous and miraculous in our life.
So color me uplifted and smiling. :)

NERDY

7:44 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Okay, so I will admit it, I have always been a little bit of a nerd, geek, dork...you get the picture.
I love comic books, superheros...all that stuff. So, I was really excited to go see Watchmen last night. It looked a bit dark and I wasn't sure about that, but the previews did make it look a bit action packed.
Well, no one told me I was gonna be embarrassed to be sitting there with my husband, sister, b.i.l., and MOM. Nothing like feeling like your watching some kind of male nude modeling art class with your mother....yeesh. Had it just been Rob and I, all would have been fine, as I am not easily embarrassed. I read a couple reviews talking about missing the mark, a little slow...yada yada...but nothing about male anatomy to watch with my MOTHER.....Now being someone that loves art, I have seen many a painting with nude females and males and never think twice about it. The funny thing is Rob mentioned something about seeing the actor on some talk show saying he would probably never watch the movie as it showed too much of him....I was a bit slow on the uptake I guess.
My b.i.l. giggled like a little girl everytime Mr. Manhattan's maleness showed which got my husband laughing, my sister and I hiding our faces in our shirts trying not to laugh and my mom saying did they really just show that. Now, I hadn't even noticed the first few times that they had drawn in his manly parts, my husband's and b.i.l.'s laughter had me wondering at first "What is so funny?" Finally I caught on...oh boy. Then the bit graphic loves scenes, again with my mother present, left me glad the theater was dark or boy would my face have even redder.
My mother was so funny as after the movie she says, "That was all CG right, they didn't really show a real man on there did they?" We all busted out laughing. Yes mom, it was all CG but at that point, was there really any difference whether it was real or not.........
So, if you've been considering seeing it, just know...they really mean nudity...it's incredibly violent, and you definetly don't want to take your mother hehe.

UGH

6:09 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Can I just say...I hate not having health insurance.
As if if were not bad enough that I feel like a nasty illness
is tracking me down, the thought of going to see my
physician makes it all the worse.
I have not been to see my Dr. in over two years, even though
I have some health issues going on that should be followed up
regularly. Why? Because I do not have health insurance.
Paying cash every time I need to take the kids in, is a real
budget killer, let alone even entertaining medical bills for
myself. Thank the good Lord, I am rarely ill enough to
warrant immediate medical care. Most things are well
handled homeopathically.
Then, after my dental appointment today, I began to
panic about what happens if this temporary fix doesn't
force the tooth to heal and I have to chose between the
loss of the tooth or root canal. Guess which one wins?
And that is only 1 tooth of several whose fillings managed
to come out after less than a year of having them all filled.
All the cavities I had filled as a child had to be redone recently,
yet again. They had to be redone when I was pregnant with
my last child who is soon to turn 9. Then they have been
redone twice since then and now must be done again. Why
can't a stupid filling just stay in and stop causing me trouble.
I really hope healthcare in this nation gets fixed. I make
too much money to qualify for michild insurance here yet
don't make enough to have much left after paying bills to
even consider being able to pay for private insurance.
And I am one of the lucky ones. I have a friend, recently
jobless, takes multiple medications, and was told there is
NO Medicaid here in Michigan right now. How can this be?
How can a government program be gone? They said 1 or 2
slots "may" open in the next month but there is a huge
waiting list for it. Thank goodness there is a free clinic here
that may be able to help with some of the meds.
Without her meds, her physical and mental health will
deteriorate rapidly. I can tell you this for sure, it breaks
my heart everything she is going through. Just when I
begin to feel sorry for any circumstance in my life I need
only look at her.
How unfair.
I understand that some people abuse the
system and just want to live off the proceeds and hard
work of others, but what of those that are just hard hit
by life's circumstances?
As my friend Jo often says, " Can't He just blow the whistle
and call us out of the pool already?"
I know that life's struggles are a part of having free will in this
world, and we should all make time to list all that we have to
be thankful for, but sometimes a girl just wants to whine.

Am I taking it back?

10:30 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Have you ever had that person or two you just couldn't seem to forgive and move beyond?
After a lengthy discussion with a friend about how hard it is to get over being hurt sometimes, I got to thinking about a site online (sorry it was so long ago that I don't remember where) about forgiving.
I have found that wise women of faith out there are right on track about forgiveness. At times when I have felt hurt, especially by family as we can't choose them, I have chosen to follow their directions on how to forgive. I can honestly say that praying for the person that you feel has hurt or betrayed you, and not that they will be smote down lol, but for blessings to be heaped upon them and that they will feel loved, and that you can forgive and forget, really heals those painful wounds.
So, what does it mean when someone you have been praying you could forgive, that you have been praying for mounds of blessings and peace for, still weighs on your mind?
Surely it is NOT God for He knows exactly what He is doing? So I began to wonder if maybe I am taking it back. Not out loud but unconsciously in my head.
Maybe the problem lies solely with my inability to mean it with some people. Maybe I am going through the motions with the best intentions but in my heart and mind I don't really want to forgive yet.
I had not thought about this article in such a long time and while complaining about why I can't let go of some hurt that just seems forever attached to me, it suddenly popped back up in my brain.
Maybe I am just plain taking it back.
Instantly as I thought about it, I realized, that is probably exactly what it is. Why do I think that? Because as quickly as the idea hit me, the negative thoughts began to set in. "I prayed about it already." "I don't want to beat a dead horse with God." "I have been obedient and done my part, I prayed for them, I wished blessings on them, maybe it's not to be."
But as fast as those thoughts came, I knew it wasn't true. I knew, and know the problem is me.
So guess what, here goes another round and included in it will be prayers for me to get over myself and for some insight to recognize if and when I am taking it back. More repentance incoming. Sigh.

NOOB

10:43 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Let me just say I hate being a NOOB.
Sorry to those who emailed me to let me know they cannot post to my blog.
And Thank You for letting me know. I am sure it is a mistake on my part as
I recently changed skins and probably goofed something up. Technology and
I don't always see eye to eye. Much like my spelling of late.
Here's hoping it will be a quick fix with the right information.

The weather.

7:42 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I know it is just plain silly to complain about the weather and live in Michigan.
It is the epitomy of the true oxymoron if ever there was one.
Nonetheless, I just don't think it's too much to ask for Mr. Weather to
make up his stinking mind. And yes, he is male, for only men can be this
irritating ( just kidding). Only to be followed by children hehe. (Not kidding here)
I don't think it is asking too much for a trend in one direction or another
to make dressing, driving , planning, shopping and just plain living easier.
I really don't need it to be 7 degrees one day and 50 the next. If it is going
to be cold...then just be cold. This see saw effect is making my sinus' and ears
do flip flops. And everytime I think the snow has past...oh no, here comes
another round. Don't get me wrong, I love a break in between snow storms,
but come on, it's March already. I don't want to see anymore snow and it
could be dangerous for the news forcaster that says we are getting any....
I'm just sayin.
I am not looking for Summer weather yet, just some milder even temps
without the freezing fluctuations that ruin my flower buds for the entire season.
And come on....More Sunshine Please....I am feeling a bit vaclempt and
want to leave hibernation.
Okay, okay, I will stop whining. But seriously.....

Musical Bliss

6:43 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
My day began with stress. I know, right? Imagine that even. Well, it all began with getting the 17 year old to the bus stop by 6:30, racing home to get the 8 year old ready for school, get my hair done, and pack the kitty up for her visit to the vet to be "fixed". Sheer madness. Racing around clear across town and back to get the youngest to school by 8:45 was almost impossible.
Luckily he arrived on time and from there I hit the road home to pick up some supplies, then off to my mother's house to carpool to Chenery Auditorium.
Because I dearly love my sister, I was willing to skip my usual bedtime to hear the Kalamazoo Symphony, watch the Kalamazoo Ballet Academy dancers, and my sister and Jay perform.
I am so glad I went. The musical was so uplifting. The dancers a delight. And my sister and Jay, I couldn't be prouder.
There were two extremely phenomenal things I saw and heard there today.
First, there was a high school girl who solo'd on her violin and her fingers were flying so fast I just could not keep up. She was amazing. Such talent.
Second, was a sixth grade girl who composed a piece via piano that the symphony transformed into a masterpiece. Her piece was so beautiful. I was enthralled.
So much accomplishment in these young ladies. I can only imagine how much it will multiply with age.
Anyway, it inspired these thoughts in me today.

Can you hear the music playing or is it only in my head?
Your stare is blank yet kind "What was that?", you said.
I know your being polite and my sanity is in question.
Never fuss with one of "Them", I guess you learned that lesson.
How sad you miss the melody, such a beautiful refrain.
If you could merely hear the tune that's playing in my brain.
The aria of angelic voices, the metronome keeps time.
Oh the joyous composition leaves me so sublime.
"It's your loss", I think at last. Saddened none the less.
If only I could share the genius of my wonderful mess.

Okay, so......

12:02 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Okay, so, today was one of those days that left me truely feeling old. My almost 17 year old daughter wanted to see the Jonas Brothers movie in 3D.
Upon arriving at the theater, seeing all the young teenagers there, I decided I was not staying with her for the movie. Too much noise. And, amazingly...too expensive. $15 a ticket for a movie, 3D or not is a bit much in my opinion.
But I digress. So, anyway, I realized as I got back into the car that I have indeed reached oldomn. You know, that place when you choose to pass something special up with someone you love because you just can't deal with the side effect.....waaay too many girls screaming at the Jonas Brothers. Yeesh. Color me gone.

Old And Dark

1:30 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Okay, so this poem is rediculously old hehe. I wrote this as a class project. Yes, it is very dark, but it was my teen years....c'mon.

Darkness

Darkness is a state
of which I am afraid.
And yet it seems so long
after all the time I've stayed.
It surrounds me like a circle,
a never ending twine.
To some it can encourage.
To some it can incline.
That it is even better,
but this I cannot see.
For the darkness that surrounds me,
will never set me free.
But then perhaps when it's my turn,
when all my time is gone.
All my fears inside I'll burn
and greet it like the dawn.

1:28 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Simple thoughts from a simple mind.

Reedeming Grace


Redeeming Grace of light from thee
my precious, dearest Lord.
How often have I pondered thee,
in Heaven up above.
I know you live within my heart.
Your voice it speaks to me.
You've washed me clean,
and healed my pain.
You've truely set me free.
I'm covered in your rightousness,
clothed in purest love.
Redeeming Grace of light from thee,
my precious, Lord above.

War And Peace

1:23 AM Edit This 1 Comment »
Do you ever just feel battle weary? If you do, then you will know exactly where I am coming from here.

My War and Peace

When Shadows fall and darkness arrives,
I will seek the peace that slumber brings.
Like liquid clouds that blanket my eyes,
sleep has arrived.
Take me on my magic carpet
to a land that has no time;
where memories are sure to fade
and dreams come for those who wait.
Immerse my soul in the One who loves me,
safe until dawn, when he will awaken me
fresh and renewed.
Ready for battle,
eager for peace,
I await his command.
Resisting the enemy,
loving all others,
continuing the day,
I then long for rest,
knowing I am in his care once more.

Just A Little Walk With Thee

1:17 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
This poem reflects my walk with the Father. Boy do I require a great deal of reminding, reprimanding, and reflecting. Luckily, I also receive comfort, joy, and peace.

Brilliant

The stalks of flowers,
reaching as desperate arms seeking your love.

Oh! How brilliant your design.

The balmy air and dew kissed ground.
The star filled nights.

Oh! How brilliant your design.

The intricate snowflakes,
never two the same.
The white blanket to cover the earth.

Oh! How brilliant your design.

The rustling of leaves.
The whisper of wind.
The colors of Autumn.

Oh! How brilliant your design.

The tears that cry,
when loved ones die.
My heart that beats for you.

Oh! How brilliant your design.

My Nieces

1:14 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Thoughts of my nieces.

Hannah and Katie

As if you were my own,
I treasure you.
Like precious jewels that sparkle and shine,
light reflectling, refracting, transparently
beautiful you are.
Such wonders youth holds for you.
Like branches reaching,
striving to grow far too quickly,
your progress amazes me.
Unlikened beauty,
rarely seen by mere mortals,
lovely you are.
Undeniebly blessed by the kisses
of thesweetest angels your rosy cheeks and fairest hair
are mere reminders of untold wealth.
Let not time diminish the wonder of all that is you.
Nor fear remove the glorious gift of health.
And I shall observe your transition,
although sad to see it happen too soon,
from afar.

Connor

1:11 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Thoughts of my youngest.

Priceless

Such elemental beauty can be seen
glistening like the morning sunshine on the dew kissedground.
The azure glow of your eyes shimmers on
like the blue sky meeting the highest mountaintop.
Hazelnuts and acorns the color of your crown
cascading like waterfalls dreaming of one day reaching land.
Melodic and rhythmic the sounds that emanate
from chords like a glorious aria.
Nimble and purposeful your hands conduct
unknown symphonies yet to be heard.
Deliberate and graceful each step away
from the child within to the angelic creature youshall become.
I am blessed to witness such creation,
knowing the true artist's design is unflawed.

Kylie

1:07 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Thoughts of my daughter.

Kylie

My likeness,
his too,
and yet unique,
that my dear is you.
Eyes that that dazzle,
twinkle and shine.
A smile so contageous,
deliberate and divine.
I held you that day,
so fragile and small.
My tears became a waterfall.
God's blessing,
daddy's girl,
my new baby,
your new world.
My heart so swollen,
my words so few.
My daughter it's true,
I love you,I do.

Remembering My Father

1:02 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
More thoughts of my father.

Remembering You

Those days that dwindled and dawdled into the sunsets
and passed too soon, were filled with you.
Has it been so long that I scarcely remember your face?
No, it is as vivid today as if etched in core of my being.
Must I be forced to search the crevices of my mind,
the cobwebs obscuring my view,
in order to recapture memories of the times we spent together?
How unfair that the shifting sands of time seek to erase
the fairest of such idyllic thoughts.
They shall never prevail,
for my thoughts of our time together will not be tainted.
My father, friend, teacher, and guide, fear not.
Instead, they shall forever be placed
on a pedestal in the beating drum that is my heart.

Shed Not A Tear

12:57 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
SHED NOT A TEAR

Shed not a tear for me;
lest it trickle from your face
like the sweetest dew off the thinnest reed.
Shed not a tear for me;
for I am like the stars that sparkle,
my time is gone but still I shine in the darkest sky.
Shed not a tear for me;
for I am as the wind,
delicately flowing and moving on to where I need to be.
Shed not a tear for me;
for I have loved, been loved, and continue loving.
Shed not a tear for me;
for I am dancing and twirling
as ribbons in a child's never to be tamed hair.
Shed not a tear for me;
for I am smiling down upon and shedding a tear, for you.

And The Band Played On

12:51 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
The majority of my poetry comes from the loss of loved ones. This particular one deals with the loss of my father. Several of my poems are about him in some form or other as his death was one of the most profound experiences in my life aside from the health issues of my son.

AND THE BAND PLAYED ON

The parade of tears came down my street
like the waves of a roaring ocean.
Deep and deadly it crashed and roiled,
knocking about everyone in it's path.
But who could escape the clashing cymbals of sobs
or the rythmic drumming of a broken heart?
I was not inclined to be the "Conductor",
only an innocent bystander,
watching the parade pass by.
Yet the music of grief held me captive
and I led the way swinging and swaying
with the music of my misery.
And even as the end of my street drew near,
the band played on.

I'm Losing You

12:42 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
This expression, if you will, is my letter to my oldest son. I did not write it with the intention of him ever reading it, even if it were remotely possible. It is merely an outpouring of dispair that I was feeling after a physician's office visit.

I'm Losing You

Like the last sliver of daylight, I feel you slipping away. I close my fist to keep the sand from trickling between my fingers.

I'm Losing You

Oh God, please help me. I'm not ready to let you go. It's selfish and unfair I know to keep you tied and dependant on me, rather than allowing you the chance to move on.

The thought of losing you, although I would never have to worry for your care, is unbearable. Who would I then be? I have spent our time being thankful for all of it, even when I felt it just wasn't fair. My life has been about you, and who I am because of you. Without you, who and what am I?

It's not like I don't have others who need me or love me, but you have helped define me. It is you who have helped me recapture my relationship with God. It is you who have helped me learn what is truly important in life. And, it is you who have taught me that pain is bearable. But, I don't want to experience the pain that I know is inevitable.

I'm Losing You

I know in my heart that I will only lose you physically, that you will always be with me in my heart, but the ache I feel at the thought is overwhelming. My thoughts are always of you and for you. I am afraid that without you I will feel scared, cold and empty. It haunts my dreams of late. Sometimes the thought of losing you hurts so bad I cannot even pray. I can only think thoughts and hope in my soul He hears them.

I know you cannot read these words, nor would I want you to if you could. They would hurt you as well and I think make you fight all the harder to stay just to please me. These words are my release, my safe haven for fears and tears that should not be heard for fear of scaring or hurting others.

It's just my need to say and maybe someday accept,

I'm Losing You

What the heck am I doing?

12:32 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Okay, so I just found out about this blogging stuff and figured I would set out to use it as a venue for my poetry and hopefully not embarrass myself too much. Yeah Right.

Most of my poetry is a form of personal therapy. And...it's free..woohoo! Yes, I realize and I am sure you will as well after reading it, that indeed...I still need therapy. But, like I said, it's free and it's beats meds.

I try not to fix gramatical errors in my poetry as I just let what I am feeling come out and if it doesn't necessarily rhyme well, mesh within itself, or even make sense...well so be it. It's mine and I don't always mesh or make sense so it should be expected.